I jumped.

Honduras was amazing, inspiring, moving, fun, hot, touching and I'll never find all the words to describe it properly.

My husband told me the other day to not expect anyone else to care as much as I do about Honduras. I was changed, not in a huge way that everyone around me is marveling about, but I was changed. I will never forget the time that I spent in that small, beautiful country.

We spent our two weeks painting the school, painting a mural, visiting the villages, fixing the local's bikes and so much cuddling, hugging and playing with the kids both in the school and locals. Trips to the beach, river for swimming, church services... it was all memorable. Being attacked by a bat (guess that's what I get for pretending my head was a banana...), making slime, alkaseltzer rockets and pop bottle rockets with the school kids, the passionate worship, campfire worship. All amazing. I took over 700 pictures and still didn't capture a tiny slice of it.

And, God was with me through it all. I was filled with anxiety before we left, and traveling. I'm not going to say that I was filled with peace the whole trip but I was shown his grace and given an amazing experience where I was blessed and cared for at all times. I was able to give my fear over to God and relax, seeing him watch out for all of us was amazing. We were supposed to leave on Sunday, however, our flight was canceled so we had to leave on Monday instead. We later found out that, as always, it was part of the bigger plan, His plan. If we had left on Sunday we would have all been stuck in San Pedro Sula as the roads to the school were flooded due to heavy rain. No Canadian with no knowledge of Honduras should be alone in San Pedro, again, it was a blessing. God always has a plan, and it's exciting to see his plan for me unfolding.

I feel a definite call on me to go back to Honduras. I don't know in what capacity, with the youth group again, or if my husband and I will just go on our own, I do believe I'll be back. The connection I now feel with the country and the people cannot be ignored, or forgotten. It's this connection that makes it hard to remember that other people just don't care as much as I do... and really, that's ok. I'm just glad that I had the chance to go and see and do and love.

So yes, I jumped and what a good jump it was.

Fear

We leave for Honduras in one week. Tomorrow I'm going to be speaking in Church. This is what I'll be saying/reading.

"Fear

I was recently in a situation where I was afraid. I was so afraid that my knees were shaking, my heart was pounding and I was sure I was going to die. Rationally, I knew that I could handle the situation, be brave and strong and get through it. However, I let my fear get the best of me and I gave up. I climbed back down and didn’t jump off that insanely scary 5m diving board, I just wasn’t brave enough. Even after seeing my very brave grade 2 student jump, I was too scared.

When I’m in a situation that makes me fearful, I want to quit, run away and hide. I’ve been a Christian for 3 years and I’m still learning how to rely on God rather than try to just jump on my own. Going to Honduras is going to test me in more ways that I can even imagine. I don’t like change, I don’t really like to travel (I’m much happier at home in my own bed), I don’t even like bugs. I’m a worrier; I’ve been a worrier ever since I could worry. What if I get bitten by a mosquito and get malaria? What if I get lost? (Highly possible, bad sense of direction here) What if it’s so hot I can’t sleep? What if I get sick? What if there’s an earthquake? What if, what if, what if. It would be so much easier to just stay home, no one gets Malaria (here). But, I’m going and I’m excited to go.

I am going to use this trip to Honduras as a chance to fully put my trust in God. I can’t control everything, not even close. I can’t know what’s going to happen, or not happen, and I need to trust in God that it will all work out. This will not be easy for me, I am still very much learning how to let go of the fear that’s been a huge part of my life. I know that He will protect me and everything will turn out exactly as it should but it will still be hard for me to let go of the fear.

I want Honduras to test me, to force me to grow, to make me appreciate my life here even more, to make me compassionate and to scare me. I am sure that our time away will do all of that and, this is the biggest thing, I am going to pray that I am able to give my fear and anxiety up to God and trust in him. I don’t want my fear to hold me back from doing and experiencing anything.

This time I want to jump."