Roller coaster

Usually I love roller coasters, I love the adrenaline rush, the anticipation and the thrill. My life lately has been a roller coaster.

You know that feeling when the ride is over and you're slowly coasting into the dock at the end? How you feel a rush, tired, thrilled and exhausted. That's where I am right now, I'm just coming back into the dock of my regular life.

Micah went to be with Jesus less than 2 weeks ago but it feels like years. The amount that I have learned and changed and cried has forever changed me.

On Thursday, June 18th, my husband and I got a phone call from his mom saying that his cousin's baby was in the hospital on life support. I blocked the facts from my mind and convinced myself she was fine, a-okay. On the drive to the hospital I remembered one small piece that made my heart sink, she wasn't breathing on her own. I couldn't deny the severity anymore. We arrived at the hospital and Dad (Micah's Dad) was standing out side of her room in emergency with brother (11), sister (9) and littler brother (4). I don't even know what happened that night as we waited for the ambulance to come and get Micah and mom to take them to the big Children's hospital. I remember hugs, tears and fear. After the hospital I came home and wrote that entry, we knew that Micah was not doing well but we didn't know the severity at the time.

Husband and I went to bed planning to get up in the morning and drive the 3 kids to BigCity. At 1:30am, as we were just falling asleep (kinda), Dad called and told us that Micah had no brain activity, the Micah we knew and loved was gone. My husband went to Dad's house and sat up with him and helped him pack (funny side story, between my husband and Dad neither managed to pack any clothes for big brother- he had underwear and socks and one shirt!). It was decided that Dad and brother, sister and brother would fly on the first flight and husband and I would drive their van down. I barely slept that night and husband didn't sleep at all. Husband drove the family to the airport and came home and got me so we could leave for our long drive. Before we left town, we stopped at the school that I work at. Brother and sister both attend and being as it is a small church school everyone knew, and everyone was crying.

We headed out of town and managed to make it just under 3 hours driving before we had to stop for a nap, neither of us could stay awake. It was a long drive. We got a message saying the Micah's heart had stopped, she was gone.

We spent the next 4 days in BigCity with the family and extended family. It was exhausting and uplifting all at the same time. The families are very God focused and it was a time of thanking God as well as mourning. I will never forget holding sister on my lap and singing "Jesus Loves Me" as we both cried. My husband and I were very blessed to be included into the extended family on Mom's side.I feel a bond for those people that, on my end, will never be broken. You cannot cry with someone and then forget them. My husband and I spent a lot of time with Micah's 3 siblings, going to the park, watching movies, talking. Sister said to me, teary of Micah during one particularly hard moment, "well, she was pretty cute... for a turd" and that comment made me laugh and cry even more. It is so wonderful to be able to remember and laugh, not just cry.

The rest of the week, including the drive back up (we borrowed a family members car and drove with Mom, Dad and kids), is a blur. The burial was heartbreaking but the look on Dad's face when our pastor spoke of their reunion in heaven was incredible, he looked so excited. The memorial was a celebration, a remembrance of a little girl with an incredible spirit. Miss Micah moo will not be forgotten and the hole she left behind will be filled with memories.

Micah's parents have taught me more than they will ever know. The strength and grace that they have shown over the past days has been inspiring. I struggle with fear, and seeing how this couple has made it through this incredibly hard time by relying on God and each other has shown me that I too can overcome obstacles in my life, just by relying on God.

If you can, listen to "For Your Glory" by Matt Maher, an amazing song and the one that was played at Micah's memorial.

See you soon little one, see you soon.

Goodbye little girl, goodbye.

On Friday June 19th at 2:33pm, Micah Susanne's heart stopped beating.

Now that I'm lying here on my stomach in our hotel room in BigCity, I cannot believe that I wrote that last entry less than 48 hours ago, it feels like weeks. Micah was just here and now she's gone. I know she's in a better place, a much better place but it is still so so hard. If it feels like this for me, a second cousin (by marriage even) I can't fathom how her parents feel. There have been so so many tears, and there are so many more to come. I do not know why God would take such a little girl from us but, He has her now, and there is a reason, even if we don't know what it is. Have fun with our Micah Lord, she's a fun little girl. So for now, we imagine her running around in heaven naked, bossing the puppies around, giggling and picking the chocolate chips out of the granola bars. It's not much to make me feel better, but it makes me smile.

More on the trip here and the family time later.

Why? Why the babies?

I haven't had time to read any other entries but... why, God, why the babies? I can see that Stellan (mycharmingkids) is sick again, and another... and now, here for me as well.

My husband's cousin has 4 fabulous kids (not that I'm biased) and tonight the littlest, 2 1/2 yr old Micah, is on life support. She stopped breathing this evening and had to be resusitated. They've done some tests and they've found a mass on her brain. She's being flown from our small town to the large base to be in the children's hospital. Mom and Micah are flying now and I'm not positive what's going to happen up here but my husband and I are going to go stay with Dad and the 3 others for the night and then somehow we'll all end up in BigCity tomorrow.

Please just pray for little Micah and her family. I know that this is part of God's plan but, it's still so so scary. And, please pray for our travels... I may be driving down by myself as my husband will drive the family's van and I've never driven that far before (approx 10 hours).

I'm at home now just waiting for the call from husband to go and meet him at cousin's house for the night. I didn't know what else to do but call my parents, cry, pray and write. My prayers aren't even coherent, all it is is my heart's cry.

I like making lists.

1. Thanks for your input about the pet! I think I'm leaning towards a beardy still... I've asked my principal and we'll see what his final verdict is. I have a huge terrarium already too, from the K teacher (she won't be able to use it next year as she's sharing a room with the grade 1 teacher is is anti-pet)... I'm excited to see what happens anyways.

2. Tommy. I'm thinking of renaming this blog "all about Tommy", ha. I've started him on the new "point for anything good" system- yesterday he got 50! He had a fantastic day! He was polite, cooperative, loving- a joy. *Sigh* You see the "but" don't you? But, today he wasn't. As I think I've mentioned before I'm working in the grade 1 and 2 class along with their regular teacher (we'll call her Mrs. F)... Mrs. F is very... "old skool" we'll say. She gives out (and takes away) merits, expects complete and total obedience, teaches by the book, loves sit down quiet work, and steers clear of messes and noisy exploration. All that is fine and dandy for some kids, and an absolute H-E-double hockey sticks for others. Tommy is an other. He literally gets bored to tears copying out poems about flowers for Science. Anyways, today I was in the class for the morning and the parent helper was arguing with Tommy to get him to behave (doesn't work, ever) and he got very agitated and was tipping his desk. I quietly warned him that I was going to have to take his desk if he continued. He put it back down and watched me walk away, saw Mrs.Volunteer watching him and tipped it again. She got angry and told him to "leave it down! that's dangerous!" and he shut down. He climbed under his desk and put his fingers in his ears. Now remember, this is a 6 (almost 7) year old boy who is extremely smart, not what you'd consider to be normal behaviour, except that this boy is socially and emotionally stunted, we know that. I ended up moving his desk away to the edge of the class, he followed and climbed back under, I left him there. After I got my grade 2's working I went back over to him and said to Tommy, "I can see you're upset, can you tell me what happened?" He looked me straight in the face and said, "I don't know." It was heartbreaking, this little boy was so worked up he was in a corner (literally) and he had no idea why. We talked for a bit, mostly just me telling him that I cared about him and giving him a few minutes of my time and we moved his desk back and he went and sat down. During our discussion I asked him if he knew anyone who cared about him and I was hinting at his Dad and without hesitation he pointed one small grubby finger at me and said "YOU." So, at least I know I've got that much into him, he knows I care. However, I'm feeling frustrated right now as everytime I build Tommy's selfesteem back up the tiniest bit he gets in trouble from someone else and down it goes. I was gone for the day, from break to the end of the day, with the Kindies on a field trip and I knew how the day would go... and when I got back and Tommy was crying and being ignored I, sadly, knew I was right. I asked Mrs. F's permission to speak to him and we didn't talk about his day at all, we simply talked about his Dad and how Dad will always love him (there is a distant and emotionally damaging mother on the scene occasionally) and he calmed down. All he's loooking for is love. LOVE. As much as I feel like I'm making some progress with him, I'm worried about next year as he is taking up so much of my time right now... and next year I'll have a whole class to worry about.

So, my question is this:
- How do you feel about treating students differently? I give Tommy much more of my time than the other students, but I do try to interact with each one during the day. Tommy needs that attention (talking with him, listening to him etc) in order for him to function... but I have a whole class... what do I do!?


...3. I have a supply dilema. At my school we were asked to create a budget wishlist for approval. Well, I'm starting up a whole new class so I have quite the extensive list of decorative supplies, furniture, and curriculum waiting to be ordered. Our principal told us today that we won't be getting those budget shopping lists back until July and we are not to order any supplies until then. Also, apparently the suppliers shut down for the summer already so I won't be able to order again until September. I'm worried a bit about the curriculum but I'm more worried about my decorations... who wants to start school in an ugly classroom!?

So, my question is this:
- What have you created to decorate your classroom that was simple, easy and cheap!? I'm fairly creatively inclined so I was even thinking of just using an overheard and and painting my own big pictures until I get my new stuff... what are your ideas?


4. I'm pooped. A field trip today to the park and water park for the Kindies graduation was a lot of fun (I went to be extra hands) but tiring. And, tomorrow is a trip to the railway museum with the Kindies, ones and twos! I suppose I should get myself to bed early tonight... after I make the slideshow for the year end on Friday for a retiring teacher!

Fin, feather, fur or... scales?

I'm thinking about getting a classroom pet next year. I think I've narrowed down my choices to a bearded dragon, fish, a small bird or stick bugs. I want something that's pretty easy to take care, quiet, clean, allergy free, safe and friendly and ultimately I'd like some interaction between pet and students to be possible (ie. being able to be held, not like fish). My favourite choice is a beardy- I used to work in a Science center that had one and he was amazing, very friendly and docile and great with kids, plus my hubby had one before he ended his eastern seaboard adventure and had to give him away so he'd love to have another. Also, I'll probably be getting stick bugs no matter what, they're the perfect pet- totally quiet, clean, easy to feed, fun to hold and can open up tons of discussion (also a bonus, when they get over populated they make a great treat for a bearded dragon!).

The beardy pictured is my husbands ol' lil' guy, Yoshi. He's being well taken care of by a friend back east now.

Have any of you had a classroom pet that was a success or disaster? Any suggestions for me? :D

Coming later on this blog: an actual introduction to me, with more details. I bet you can't wait, can you? Ha.

"And then I kick her, sir"

Today I am grateful for my husband. Well, I suppose I'm always grateful for him but tonight, especially so... which is funny since we were arguing earlier tonight, humph. Anyways, I'm grateful for my hubby for giving me a much needed kick in the bee-hind to go and get crackin' on my girly relationships, I too often let them slide. It's too easy to just say "well, if they wanted to see me then they'd call"... however, that's not such a brilliant idea on my part. Long story short (which is hard to do when you're verbose like me) I had a grand night of chatting with my very pregnant (jealous!) friend over creamsicles. And, it was all thanks to hubby's kickin' me pants. Thanks hubby o' mine.

In other news... (I hate that saying, I find it annoying yet it runs through my mind while I'm typing blogs/emails all the time)... Tommy still isn't back in school so it's still all quiet on the classroom front. The units I'm doing for Language Arts with the 4 grade 2 girls are going really well (if I do say so myself). I had the girls each pick a different Magic Tree House book (they picked Pirates, Dolphins, the Amazon and the Arctic) and I've been creating questions and vocabulary and other fun worksheets for each girl, based on their book. It's been a lot of work but they've been loving it (much to my enjoyment and surprise) and I've been having fun too. We've been doing vocabulary on a grid format. Each day (that we do vocab, not every day) I find 4 words from each chapter in each book and make a 4X4 grid with big spaces for each word. The girls and I then go through each word, talking about what it could mean (or does if they already know), read it in the chapter and then draw a picture to remind us of what the word is. The girls enjoy being able to individualize their learning and understanding and hey, who doesn't like to draw mushroom for the word "vile"? Yesterday I started them working on their dioramas. Exciting! They each picked 2 objects, plants, people or animals from their story and are doing research on them. I have asked them to supply 4 facts about each "thing" and include that with their diorama. I'll be taking pictures of the progress tomorrow. The girls are all working really hard (even the "I'm done!" child- you know the one... the one who's finished before you're finished explaining the task and she's finished with the exact minimum that you asked for) and are quite proud of their boxes. We even created a rubric together that they will be using to self assess and then I'll assess after. It's fun only teaching one class to 4 girls! I suppose I shouldn't really get used to it though seeing as how there is only 7 days of school left... and then in September I'll have a full class.

It's miskeeter (say it out loud if you don't know what on earth that word is, I enjoy spelling phonetically) time out here... all day long, in class, you hear *smack!* "oh, I missed"... or, *smack!* "Ow!" "Sorry, you had a mosquito on your head"... how I wish my classroom door had a screen!

Another reason to love my husband? He's in the kitchen making my lunch for tomorrow, how much do I love that he cooks!? So much! ...I should go help.

Summa' Time!

I'm still thinking about my dilemma, and I'll be praying about it but I think my tentative decision (I say this like a whole nation is waiting on my decision) is that I'm keeping the blog. I like it. I will have to remind myself with every entry to write as if the Mothers and Fathers of my class all have access (which technically they do seeing as how it's the Internets and all). I'll tell the truth but probably keep the dirties out of it, ya know? So that's my decision... for now. Decisive I am not.

So, I don't know about your neck of the woods but here where I am it's pretty nice and sunny these days. Finally. We have long winters, like winters until the middle of May. Re-dic-u-lous if you ask me. My husband and I have been enjoying the sun and heat. On Sunday, after church, we went to his cousin's house for a BBQ with some other families. We were the youngest and the only childless ones but that's okay, we know all the kids anyways (11 from 3 families, woo they know how to have kids) and I pretend they're mine. So yah, there we are BBQing away and "Happy Birthday *Cousin*!" Uhh? Oh crud, it's totally cousin's birthday and we didn't know, we felt kinda awkward but hey, that's what family is for, right? To feel awkward when you forget each others birthdays. Luckily he didn't care/notice so all was well. A good time was had by all, there was much laughing, it's a funny funny group. And, of the 11 children at this BBQ 2 will be in my class next year... they too are interesting girls. One got stuck in a tree... or should I say "stuck"... I went out to rescue her and she was free by the time I got out there (have to admit, I didn't hurry). She informed me "you'd better stay 'cause I'm going to do it again and then you'll really have to save me"... I went inside, haha.

Growing up an only child, I live for big family gatherings. I love having kids everywhere and adults spread out throughout the house talking and laughing, that's exactly what I want our house to be like when we have kids. I have to admit, I kinda envy the Duggars... 18 kids may be a few too many for me but, a girl can dream (and a husband can pray it never happens!). I suppose I should just be content with my class full of hooligans rather than a home full... for now at least.

School today was Quiet (notice the capital Q). Both Tommy and his counterpart Joe were away... the energy level was down yet productivity was not up. It is totally time for summer vacation, the kids are spent, done, finito. The biggest excitement today was a wiggly tooth (which thankfully fell out so I know I won't have to listen to the whining about it tomorrow!) and making paper mache bowls- oooooooohhhhhhh the mess! I had wallpaper paste all over my hands and arms... that's a sign of a good day. I'm still picking it off my elbow.

The funniest moment of today was the cackling contest (evil villain laughs from 7year olds are pretty stinkin' funny) at lunch. I have no idea what started it but amusing none the less.

And, I suppose that's it. For now. Mwahahahah. Just kidding.

Dilemma

I have a dilemma. I started this blog as a way to connect with other teachers, to be able to ask those "I need an idea for art ASAP!" or "How did you solve the constant pencil sharpening problem?" questions but now I'm rethinking the idea.
I know that I can take pains to be very vague and use fake names, never give away where I'm located or any personal information about myself or my students but... the worst case is that somehow my blog is found and someone takes offense. I would never write an entry about how much I disliked a child or anything of that manner (how horrible anyways) however... ugh, I just don't know. I was feeling very excited about having a blog that could allow me to connect with other teachers, as well as having a place to just record my first year teaching (as I suspect it may be "memorable") but now, yup, not as excited.
What do you think?

Tommy

WARNING: I tend to be overly verbose and my grammar and spelling can on occasion be atrocious, forgive me please?

Good Morning. Oh, it's not a good morning? Would you like to tell me about it? Ohhh, alright then, we'll have to talk later.

I've been working with the group of students who will be my students next year (ack! I'll have students!? I'm not sure it's registered that I'm not the student anymore) and as a group they are really quite lovely. I have 10 grade 1s (to be grade 2s of course) and 4 grade 2s (something in the water here caused there to be a population decline that year apparently). I have a few quirky kids and I really do enjoy them, they keep me on my toes and awake, that's for sure. Upon first meeting my class, grade one Pippy* looked me straight in the eye and said "oh great now I can do even less KUNG-FU!" She then proceeded to give me her best stink-eye. And the funny thing is, she really does do Kung-fu (or her version of it anyways) all the time, karate chopping across the classroom to sharpen her pencil etc. So, my point is that while I have a few kids who will keep me on high alert and ready for anything, I think I should be able to handle them (I've had far worse during my daycare days).

Oh but, Tommy*... now this one may cause me to have the shortest teaching career ever. This little, grade one, boy has had more issues in his short life than most adults I know. He is riddled with self loathing, anger, anxiety and tons of energy that he doesn't know how to expend. Tommy is convinced that no one can love him and he refuses to let anyone try. During my first couple weeks with this class, as a helper, I set it in my mind that I was going to show him that I cared. I feel that I've done a pretty...okay job of this. He's a very hard little boy to keep going back to, to be honest. His teacher at the moment has started a program with him where he gets a smiley face rating for his behaviour for the day. While this seems to work sometimes, mostly just at the end of the day when he realizes he wasn't good for the morning so he tries really hard to be extra good, it is not consistent enough for me to use next year.

Friday was a bad day. Tommy was aggravated and determined to show everyone that it was a day where he was in charge. He refused to come inside in the morning, he threw his water bottle on the floor (and picked it up and threw it again when it was ignored), he laughed loudly during story when it wasn't funny, he informed everyone within earshot that he hated them and told us all how much he hated himself. Ugh, a day. I came home feeling more than a little panicky at the thought of having to deal with that for the next two years, I wasn't sure I could do it. I talked to my husband who said the usual supportive husband things "oh you'll be fine, just pray about it, you'll figure it out, don't worry about it now- that's next year". Um, thanks honey. While I know in many ways he is right, I was too worried to just let it go. I was determined to find a way through to Tommy before, now I'm even more determined. I went online and did a google search for "defiant students". Wow, did I find a lot. I found one website (http://www.behavioradvisor.com/Defiance.html) and while it looks very unprofessional I found a few very good points. What are these points you ask (you just don't want to have to read the whole article, do you!?)...

1. If you came upon an injured animal you would know that it would be likely that this animal could be aggressive and lash out at you. You would go to it with patience, love and a gentle spirit and, be expecting a horrible reaction from the animal. I doubt any of us would just walk away from a hurt kitten saying "well fine then, if you don't want my help then you don't get it, find someone else who'll deal with you" Yet... you see where I'm going with this, don't you? Children who are injured need so much more love, care and attention yet so many of us are unwilling to give it to them. It's my goal to be try to remember that although I can't see Tommy's injuries I know they're there and to treat him accordingly.

2. Don't focus on the negative behaviours. This one sounds obvious, why would anyone do that? However, I believe that the smiley face program that Tommy's teacher is using right now is really doing just that. The top rating is 4 smileys, Tommy has never received 4, 3 sometimes, never 4. I feel that this is just causing him to focus on how he fell short, even if he gets his own personal best of 3. I would like to try a program that he will get a point/sticker every.single.time he does anything good. If he gets a decent amount then he will get a reward, his rewards with me so far have been eating lunch with me and looking up things that he's interested in on my laptop (pirhanas and dinosaurs).

3. Don't tell a child that they are something they don't believe they are. It's an instant reaction to tell Tommy that he's a good boy when he's done something well. If you were in your pajamas, with no makeup, your hair was a mess and you were feeling fat and your husband came home and told you you were beautiful would you have a hard time believe it? I know I would. It's like that with children who don't feel they are good, when we tell them such they figure we're just lying to them. Instead, focus on the actual deed that was done "thank you for sharing your markers, that's being a very good friend".

So, while I'm not feeling overly confident about my ability to teach Tommy and his classmates this September I do feel like I have a few more ideas to arm myself with. I know that with the help and support of the other teachers, my husband and most importantly God, my strength, that I'll make it through and maybe even enjoy myself!

Now, I'm off to get ready for church on this beautiful Sunday morning! Thank you for joining me, I'm looking forward to meeting each and everyone of you. =)

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

A formal introduction

I am the goldfish herder.
Have you ever tried to herd goldfish? Probably not.

About the goldfish:
Goldfish are tricky and quick and quite smart making them a challenge to herd. Luckily, most goldfish enjoy being herded and actually look forward to it, especially young goldfish. However there is occasionally the odd goldfish who is overly energetic, rambunctious and talkative... this goldfish holds the greatest challenge. Goldfish are endearing little creatures that are a lot more complex then most would give them credit for. Bright, shiny and new.

About the herder:
I am a beginning goldfish herder but I believe that while being a goldfish herder is a hard job that can make a normal 9 to 5 job sound like a vacation but there is no other job I would ever want. Herding pushes me to expand my own knowledge for the benefit of the goldfish. My patience is pulled to it's limits, as is my heart.

So, join me for my journey into goldfish herding. And please, pray for my sanity.